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Aloha and happy upcumming amateur drinking day! Yes, its that time of year when every Tom, Dick, and Sean falls off the bar stool with his silly green hat insisting that he’s True IRISH (Real Irish?) because he does something we do every other day of the year. Not that I’m bitter about all these potato suckers messing up my bar time. This year, we’ve convinced Mouthy Bitch, the elusive Grand Mistress of Juneau H3 to host a “trail” for us at the capitol. The plan is to mount up Thursday and drive mach louie out to her private island before driving back to Los Anchorage on Sunday (Alaska Air 64; 67). All are welcome to join! Green optional. Orange encouraged.
WHO: Mouthy Bitch
WHAT: B2 111 – Invading Juneau
WHEN: Thursday 16 March – Sunday 19 March
WHERE: ANC, JNU – Parts unknown at times unknown. It’ll be a surprise. You’ll like it.
WHY: Because JH3 never ever hashes?
It turns out that BNB and Just Angelina are either getting married or getting bent Friday night in Anchorage probably aren’t going to make trail Given the last minute nature of their impending nuptials, and the logistical difficulties of driving to Juneau, I suspect that many Anchorage hashers will be celebrating in town. (Sekrit) Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1056406734464730/
Congratulations and have fun in Bethel – Rojo Hammer Toe (004)!
Strategic puking will feed the ducks for weeks – Struggle Snuggle (005)!
This is why we can’t have nice things PULL ME PULL ME! CHARIOT PRINCESS – Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs (006)!
Patches are going to happen!
The race-ist bastards who won the hash then went and ran a half marathon to find double freedom? You should drink more beer so the rest of us don’t feel so old.
Cum one, cum all, glove up and give our newest named hasher High Five! (née Just Hannah)
Pay attention half minds, this is something important. Los Anchorage has been invaded by a foreign fish that looks remarkably like a local. If you find yourself at HUMPY’S or getting a growler filled at BROWN JUG, make sure you check to make sure that your SOCKEYE RED IPA is actually from Midnight Sun! If you discover after they fill your glass or growler that it isn’t an authentic Alaskan beer, make them dump it out. The faster we can unburden the shelves with this invader and pretender, the faster we can get back to drinking our beloved local beers.
There have been sightings at the Brown Jug Warehouse on Old Seward around 36th and the one on Old Seward south of Dimond.
Cum frolic in the wet gashes of Russian Jack. Like any good group activity, you’ll probably need a change of clothes after. Balls will likely fly at your face. Dogs are encouraged, peanut butter is provided. Trail is A-A, IDs aren’t necessary and strollers won’t make it. Straight(ish) from the hare: “I think your beer checks are cute so I’m bringing whiskey for proper trail drinking.”
WHO: Schweddy balls of Flour and Just Zack
WHAT: B2H3 99 trails and not enough incest ain’t one
WHEN: 1 October 2016 1300 Hares away at 1330
WHERE: Russian Jack Springs Park on Boniface Pkwy (tiny side parking lot between Debarr and Perry https://goo.gl/maps/5AN37fNkFLU2)
WHY: Because you’re a $5 hasher
A-A, No strollers, Dogs OK, No ID, $5 – bring your own peanut butter
Just kidding mate, fuck a wallaby. Bestiality’s best boys. Bestiality’s best. This week’s exceedingly family friendly and courteous trail is brought to you by How Much Are Those Boobies In The Window and Cum’N’Blow. We’re going to be starting just a hare late out at the dog park so everyone can go get some delicious pancakes and erect new mismanagement for Anchorage’s most established kennel.
WHO: In the Window & C’n’B
WHAT: B2’s 98th – Fuck a Wallaby trail
WHEN: Saturday 17 September **14:00** Hares Away 14:30
WHERE: University Lake Park OFF ELMORE https://goo.gl/maps/ngk7V9vk5QD2
WHY: do I keep making up something for this? We’re hashing!
A-A – Extremely Dog Friendly – Extremely Kid Friendly (so say the hares) – Hash Cash is always Five Bucks
What’s this wallaby fucking? What’s this bestiality you’re promoting?
It’s a song that you get to learn! New and improved trail notes now with choir practice.
The first version of this song requires a pretty good memory, or at minimum enough wit to think of rhymes on the spot. Which explains why hashers almost always sing the second version . . .
Beastiality’s best, boys, beastiality’s best…
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
Beastiality’s best, boys, beastiality’s best!
Bestiality’s best, boys,
Bestiality’s best – FUCK YOUR WALLABY!
Give hetero sex a rest, boys,
Tie me wallaby down, boys,
Tie me wallaby down,
You can’t fuck him when he’s jumping around, boys,
So tie me wallaby down.
Shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog.
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
(You’ve gotta) shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog…
(Songmaster:) All together now!
2 Up the rear of a deer…etc.
3 Intercourse with a horse…
4 Have a fuck with a duck…
5 Chuck your sperm in a worm…
6 Lick the twat of a cat…
7 Do an illegal with an eagle…
8 Up the hole of a mole…
9 Give some cock to a croc…
10 Shoot your load in a toad…
11 Have a rape with an ape…
12 Get in deep with a sheep…
13 Have a frig with a pig…
14 Up the thigh of a fly…
15 Give your gerbil some verbal…
16 Fool with the tool of a mule…
17 In the esophagus of an octapus…
18 Make it twirl in a squirrel…
19 Down the throat of a goat…
20 Shove your willy up a filly…
21 Stick you rod up a cod…
22 Up the spout of a trout…
23 Do it funky with a monkey…
24 Put your noodle to a poodle…
25 Make love with a dove…
26 Be very pleasant to a pheasant…
27 Sixty-nine with a swine…
28 Cunnilingo with a dingo…
29 Up the tail of a whale…
30 Up the ass of a bass…
31 Wear out a bug on the rug…
32 Mate a ‘gator then fellate her…
33 Up the box of a fox…
34 Have a shag with a stag…
35 Nibble the twat of a rat…
36 In the dark with a shark…
37 Ejaculate in a skate…
38 Part the hare of a mare…
39 Have a screw with a shrew…
40 On top of the easel with a weasel…
41 Lick the clit of a nit…
42 Drink the pee of a bee…
43 Give a half to a giraffe…
44 Give a lickin’ to a chicken…
45 Go a rounder with a flounder…
46 Make it wonky with a donkey…
47 In the sack with yak….
48 Get a suck from a duck…
49 Get under the tail of a snail…
50 Up the fanny of a nanny…
51 Get it out for a trout…
52 Up the hole of a sole…
53 On the lawn with a prawn…
54 Be a queer with a deer…
55 Have a shaggin’ with a dragon…
56 Up the anus of a platypus…
57 Get the pox off a fox…
58 Any which way with a jay…
59 Have a hug with a bug…
60 Make some porn with a unicorn…
61 Put it through a gnu…
62 Have a goose with a moose…
63 Up the cunt of a runt…
64 Get frisky with a pixie…
65 In the Bahamas with some llamas…
66 Up the flue of a shrew…
67 Have a filler with a gorilla…
68 In the lake with a drake…
69 Get your release in a fleece…
70 Put it in the mid of a squid…
71 Make it course with a horse…
72 Help old Watson with a dachshund…
73 Soixante-neuf with a smurf…
74 Put it in the mouth of a sloth…
75 Get your oats with some stoats…
76 In the lake with a drake…
77 A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel…
78 In the lug of a slug…
79 Have a squirm with a worm…
80 Have a cracker with a quacker…
81 Go and defile a crocodile…
82 In a bag with a stag…
83 Have a lark with an aardvark…
84 In a heap with a sheep…
85 Have a deer from the rear…
86 Go the whole way with a moray…
87 Have a toss with a hoss…
88 Put your thang in an orangoutang…
89 In the ear of a deer…
90 Make it limp in a chimp…
91 Beat you wick with a stick…
92 Up the toot-toot of a coot…
93 Be a rotter with an otter…
94 Put your cock in a peacock…
95 In the bog with a dog…
96 Have a chimp with an imp…
97 Come from behind with a hind…
98 Up the back of a yak…
99 On a train with a crane…
100 Anyway you can with a pelican…
101 On a honeymoon with a raccoon…
(And it never ends, make up your own!)
Second Version requiring additional rhyming:
Change your luck with a duck, Chuck,
Change your luck with a duck,
A duck’s a marvelous fuck, Chuck,
So change your luck with a duck.
A drake’s the best all around, mate,
A drake’s the best all around,
Its entry’s surrounded by down, mate,
A drake’s the best all around.
A camel’s a hell of a lay, Kay,
A camel’s a hell of a lay,
Humping the hump, as they say, Kay,
A camel’s a hell of a lay.
A moose is no bloody use, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use,
She’s big, she’s mean, and she’s loose, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use.
You can shoot your load in a toad, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad,
If there’s nothing else to be rode, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad.
Me wife was raped by an ape, Nate,
Me wife was raped by an ape,
She’s in marvellous sexual shape, Nate,
Ever since she was raped by an ape.
A rhino’s a hell of a treat, Pete,
A rhino’s a hell of a treat,
The horniest thing on four feet, Pete,
A rhino’s a hell of a treat.
A mongoose is no piece of cake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake,
He’ll attack your one-eyed snake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake.
You can come again in a hen, men,
You can come again in a hen,
When you’ve had everything else in the pen, men,
You can come again in a hen.
I tried to roger a badger, boys,
I tried to roger a badger,
A badger’s a hell of a dodger, boys,
You just can’t roger a badger.
You can go the course on a horse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse,
There’s lots of animals worse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse.
You can try your log in a frog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog,
If it’s the only thing in the bog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog.
You can stick your pole in a mole, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If your pole’s incredibly small, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole.
You can stick your pole in a mole, boys,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If you can’t find a big enough mole, boys,
Then use the bloody mole hole.
You can try to screw a red ‘roo, Lou,
You can try to screw a red ‘roo,
Be careful it doesn’t screw you, Lou,
When you try to screw a red ‘roo.
An ostrich can give you a ride, Clyde,
An ostrich can give you a ride,
When you get your weapon inside, Clyde,
An ostrich’s a real wild ride.
You can try getting bare with a bear, Clare,
You can try getting bare with a bear,
But he’s attached to his hair, Clare,
So don’t try to make him get bare.
Screwing a turtle’s a lark, Mark,
Screwing a turtle’s a lark,
If you’ve got foreskin like bark, Mark,
Then screwing a turtle’s a lark.
A gator is tricky to boff, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff,
Wrong end and you’ll get it bit off, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff.
Any old beast for a fuck, Chuck,
Any old beast for a fuck,
Even an Irishman’s luck, Chuck,
When you need a beast for a fuck.
You can get it on with an iguana, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana,
But only if you really wanna, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana.
Put your log up a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog,
Don’t you fancy a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog, ’cause . . .
Stick your lug in a slug, Doug
(Aren’t you hot for a slug, Doug?)
Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou
(Don’t you dream of a ewe, Lou?)
Get turned on by a duck, Chuck
(Doesn’t that make you go quack, Chuck?)
Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt
(Isn’t that just where it’s at, Matt?)
Rough love with a horse, Boris
(You gotta use force with a horse, Boris)
Version two is far less challenging . . . you simply repeat the same line all through the verse, as in:
Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama – BESTIALITY!
Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama, ’cause . . .
More verses, courtesy of ZiPpy, Pike’s Peak H4:
Stick your dork in a stork
Make an eel squeel
Rub your beaver on a retriever
Rub your box on a fox
Rub your clitoris on a hippopotamus
Rub your clitty on a kitty
Rub your cunt on an elephant
Rub your twat on an ocelot
Grind your mound on a hound
Drip your juice on a moose
Give your milk to an elk
Drip your yeast on a wildebeest
Cunnilingo with a dingo
Fool with the tool of a mule
A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel
Any which way with a jay
Anyway you can with a pelican
Be a queer with a deer
Be a rotter with an otter
Be very pleasant to a pheasant
Bring a flea to her knees
Chuck your sperm in a worm
Come from behind with a hind
Do an illegal with an eagle
Do it funky with a monkey
Down the throat of a goat
Drink the pee of a bee
Drop some goo in a shrew
Ejaculate in a snake
Get a suck from a duck
Get in deep with a sheep
Get it out for a trout
Get the pox off a fox
Get under the tail of a snail
Sow oats with some stoats
Get your release in a fleece
Give a half to a giraffe
Give a lickin’ to a chicken
Give some cock to a croc
Give your gerbil some verbal
Give your milk to an elk
Go a rounder with a flounder
Go and defile a crocodile
Go the whole way with a moray
Be a pimp for a chimp
Have a cracker with a quacker
Have a deer from the rear
Have a filler with a gorilla
Have a frig with a pig
Have a fuck with a duck
Have a goose with a moose
Have a hug with a bug
Have a lark with an aardvark
Have a rape with an ape
Have a screw with a shrew
Have a shag with a stag
Have a shaggin’ with a dragon
Have a squirm with a worm
Have a toss with a hoss
Help old Watson with a dachshund
In a heap with a sheep
In the Bahamas with some llamas
In the dark with a shark
In the ear of a deer
In the esophagus of an octapus
In the lake with a drake
In the lug of a slug
In the sack with yak.
Have intercourse with a horse
Lick the clit of a nit
Make it coarse with a horse
Make it limp in a chimp
Make it twirl in a squirrel
Make it wonky with a donkey
Make love with a dove
Make some porn with a unicorn
Mate a ‘gator then fellate her
In a bag with a stag
In the bog with a dog
On a honeymoon with a raccoon
On a train with a crane
On the lawn with a prawn
On top of the easel with a weasel
Part the hare of a mare
Put it in the mid of a squid
Put it in the mouth of a sloth
Put it through a gnu
Put your cock in a peacock
Put your noodle to a poodle
Put your thang in an orangutan
Rub the thigh of a fly
Shoot your load in a toad
Shove your log in a dog
Shove your willy up a filly
Sixty-nine with a swine
Skull fuck a duck
Stick you rod up a cod
Stick your dork in a stork
Stick your needle in a beetle
The best course is a horse
Up the ass of a bass
Up the back of a yak
Up the box of a fox
Up the fanny of a nanny
Up the flue of a shrew
Up the hole of a mole
Up the rear of a deer
Up the spout of a trout
Up the tail of a whale
(Courtesy of the Seoul Men’s Hash)
Workers & Socialist Party? White Anglo-Saxon Protestant? The nasty little stripy bastards infesting all the fun parts of Los Anchorage? Trust me when I say peeing on it will make it feel better. There will be plenty of people to pee on it.
WHO: Banana Nut Bred
WHAT: B2’s 97th Trail
WHEN: TOMORROW Saturday 3 September 13:00 Hare Away 13:30
WHERE: Earthquake Park off Northern Lights https://goo.gl/maps/A3BVaS5pLBN2
WHY: It’s the last days of summer, the first days of fall, the weather is amazing, and this beer isn’t going to drink itself. Cum run!
A-A; No ID; Dog Friendly; No Strollers; Hash Cash is only $5
Be epipen aware!
- You’re going to hare on 17 September or 1 October! Let Uncle know which one.
- A happi coat order is in the works. We’re putting together an order of Korean made happi coats. They will be a heavy cotton similar to the coats Uncle made, but will actually be produced in a more timely fashion. They will also be cheaper than having Uncle do it. Did I mention they will actually be made? The exact price isn’t set yet, but we should know next week. Let me know if you want in.