Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a six pack. As I reached for the last sixxer of tall boys in the gas station so did another man. While raining blows down upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Festivus is about getting drunk in your robe while telling everyone you know how much they’ve disappointed you; or exposing yourself while drinking eggnog, maybe it’s about peeing in the snow while singing dirty songs…
No wait, the true meaning of Festivus is not for you to know!
I’m going to pump you full of hot liquor and take advantage of you out on the pier as it was done to me!
Afterward, I’ll feed you ham bone soup and say you’re pretty. ; )
Then the Airing of the Grievances!
Feats of Strength will have been performed on trail.
We’ll end by worshiping the pole, wiping our mouths clean, and heading to
On-After at Van’s Dive Bar.
WHO: Schweddy Balls of Flour
WHAT: Festivus Robe Hash
WHEN: 1:00pm or 13:00 or sunrise + 169 minutes – Hare off a few beers after that.
WHERE: Sunset Park in Gub’mint Hill 600 Vine Ave, Anchorage, AK 99501
Trail is A-A.
I can guarantee that your dog will not get heatstroke on trail. That makes the trail dog-friendly, right?
$5 Hash Cash
My most esteemed and revered colleagues of the Society of Hares and Hounds Hashing – Chapter Los Anchorage, let me begin my missive by admitting and heretofore expressing my most sincere regrets and apologies. It has come to my attention, both explicitly and by virtue of nature (that I by happenstance looked at a calendar), that it is deep in the cycle of your desire, nae desperate need for fulfillment, of information relating to our next and most immediate event! How have I neglected until this Thursday to perform my most necessary and sacred duties as Secretary of the On-On; that is, how have I neglected to transmit the most intimate details of our next rendezvous, scheduled prior to be two days future – namely this Saturday (a hashing day). So, in the spirit of the notice provided me, namely to get off my ass and post the damn dets, I provide for you in the most perfunctory manor and as plainly as possible, with restraint in the department of enthusiastic description, I do offer up to Our Society the most important and relevant information currently in my possession about this Saturday’s hash.
WHO: Unnecessary Penetration and Banana Nut Bred
WHAT: B2 104
WHEN: Saturday 12 December 13:00 – Hares Away 13:30
WHERE: Blue Fox Cocktail Lounge 3461 E Tudor Rd, Anchorage, AK 99507 WHY: Because winter!
Reverse Shuttle (Agana Style!) from B-A, Dogs on trail not at circle, ID for circle, kiddos ok but you know – Circle is at the Fox and APD doesn’t approve of kiddos being supervised in the parking lot of a bar by the family hound (fascists). Hash Cash is only $5
It happens that this is Penny’s last B2 trail. It wouldn’t hurt you to think of a way to say Aloha.
It’s now Friday evening, deep into the sabbath, in which I know you is all deeply and respectfully taking time away from work. And for the rest of you who are still encumbered by The Itis it all good. Tomorrow we work for you. You show up at de renard bleu and we put yo ass in a car an drive it to trail. Den you run yo ass back to dat fox fo more beer an maybe we do dat circle. Oh maybe just a jazz band.
WHO: Banana Nut Bread & George Fernando
WHAT: 103rd run
WHEN: IN 12 hours? 26 November 2016 @ 1300 – 1330 hares away
WHERE: Go to the Blue Fox. Transport leaves by car at 1330. WHY: To work off the Spanksgiving feast
B>A. Dogs (not at circle). No Strollers. Ice spikes/cleats recommended. A change of clothes is always smart. $5
Next! Unnecessary Penetration hosts her own on out the first B2 trail in December. After dat? Christmas Eve – you want it?
Normally, this is where I make up something that I think is pithy, hoping to convey my excitement and enthusiasm for the upcoming trail. Today I think it’s best if I just share the exchange I had with the hare and you can make up your own mind about what to do.
gDOAbm: Make it a habit! Trail starts at University Lake Park, on Elmore. ID required. No dogs, no strollers. Cleats and ice skates strongly recommended.
gDOAbm: Mostly a joke. There is lake ice on trail.
There you have it folks. Bring out your finest nunwear for the shiggiest this shoulder season can offer. going Down On A bull moose and Rojo Hammer Toe all the way from squarebanks are showing it off for us to show off.
Saturday 1300 – Hares at 1330 – Nun costumes highly encouraged. Hash cash is always $5.
Rojo is going to be in town for the weekend so be prepared for extra credit events!
Join us in giving a rousing B2 welcum to the latest George to join us – OLD FACEFUL (née George Andrew). Buy him a beer and ask him to tell you a story!
Event name: 1st Anal Hash-o-Weenie B2 Creepy Clown Pubcrawl
Cum one and all to the 1st ever B2 pubcrawl. Subaru in My Hoo Hoo and Matthew McKindagay have been terrified, nay inspired by the spook-tacular creepy clown sitings across the US and we want to chance getting shot by anti-clown vigilantes. #clownliversmatter. Gear up in your costume of choice, prizes for best/worst and get ready to brave Anchorage’s finer establishments.
Where: Crossroads Lounge (It’s Where Friends Meet) 1402 Gambell St, Anchorage, AK 99501
When: 1600 or 4pm
What: Costume encouraged happy fun time. A-A or A.5.
Dogs: not unless you want to tie them up outside stops
Kids: Let’s make some new babies
Money: $5 hash cash. Hares will provide some beer, but once we run out you’re on your own.
Two years and a hundred trails. That’s damn near a trail a week. You already know we’re too stupid to not run year round. You must expect that we’re to stupid to quit while we’re ahead. We can only assume that means you like what we have on offer and want more (more) (more) (moar). So bring on the heavy sweating, maybe we’ll get you some heavy petting. Bring your best union suit. Butt flap encouraged.
WHO: Dr. Penis Venkman & Uncle Bondage, Esq.
WHAT: B2’s Second Analversary – UNION SUIT RUN
WHEN: Saturday 15 October 2016 – 1300 Hares away 1330
WHERE: Kincaid Park – Raspberry Parking Lot https://goo.gl/maps/PWerTpeXLmS2
WHY: Who doesn’t love chasing moose wearing union suits? Or wearing a union suit to chase a moose?
A-A; Dogs OK; Strollers NO; ID Circle; Hash Cash $5
29 October – Banana Nut Bred – #101 Sinners Run
12 November – going Down On A bull moose & Rojo Hammer Toe (Aurora!) – #102 Nun’s The Word (costume run)
26 November – YOU?
The closest thing to hashing you’ll ever do. Plus it’s a great way to see how similarly inclined folks use the terrain
Bonny Sosa Tuesday Night Races
Oh Donnie. Trailus well markus. Bearus no maulus. Mudflats no emergency extractus. Mosquitos no malarius. Moosus no molestus. Homeowner no shootus. May he run us through shiggy like diarrhea warmly exploding all over our legs.
WHO: Donnie the Retard
WHAT: B2H3 95th trail – Donnie Does Deep South Anchorage
WHEN: Saturday 6 August 13:00 – Hare away 13:30
WHERE: Johns Park – 313 Bree Ave https://goo.gl/maps/4xzFxFKc3YL2
WHY: Because Donnie knows how to find new trails for your enjoyment!
Trail is A-A.1, No ID, WELL BEHAVED DOGS, Shiggy guaranteed. Hash Cash is only $5.
B2 patches available at trail or shipped to you https://squareup.com/store/b2h3/
Aloha to all the inexperienced but enthusiastic (dare I say virginal) hares out there. Too timid to jump in with both feet, but you still need to pop your haring cherry? Wish there was a way to just dip your toe in the stream with being completely responsible for the pack’s enjoyment (and fearful of incurring their wrath with a s-h-i-t-t-y trail)?
Come out to HARE SCHOOL! It’s a fun, safe, and (optionally) clean way of getting a little live action trail laying.
This is how it goes:
YOU are given a bottle of flour, a beer, and a timer. You will run out to set an A-A trail for 15 minutes. When you get back, the entire pack will follow your trail. You will stay at the back of the pack AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Watch them fuck up your perfectly laid trail, lay the blame on you feet, and curse your name. You will learn that those perfectly clear marks you thought you were putting down got blown away, were too small to see, were too hidden for a pack that small, etc. You will also learn that no matter how good a job you thought you did, the pack gets more and more half-minded the more beer you leave for them. Once the pack gets back, we’ll do a mini circle, take a little bit of constructive criticism, then do the whole thing again with another hare.
WHAT: 92nd Running – Hare School
WHEN: Saturday 23 July 2016 13:00 – Hares 13:20ish, 14:20ish, 15:00ish, etc.WHERE: Kincaid Park – Raspberry Road Parking Lot https://goo.gl/maps/HuSaUsxRfzp
WHY: Because there is nothing better than tearing ass around the woods chasing bears and drinking moderately warm beer
A-A; NO ID, MAYBE Strollers; DOGS ON LEASHES; Hash Cash $5